Icy Current

I’m on this constant battle on keeping myself alive and trying to live a life.

I keep on saying to myself that it’ll get better, it’ll get better, on an everyday basis. I eat so I don’t have to starve but most often, I do it excessively because it makes me feel better.  If I’m full I feel better. But then, I’ll hate myself later for eating a lot. For being too fat. It’s like your suffocated on a mud or your head is pushed against an icy current. It feels terrible.

Sometimes I wonder myself, does it really get better?

I need to know because I don’t know if I can take it anymore. 


posted 3 months ago with
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Give yourself a favor and lose some pounds

You look so fat, what happened to you?

Your belly looks funny, ew.

Even a guy can also feel insecure about himself, you know. I still have my feelings and you’re not really sugarcoating them, you know what you’re doing?  Trying to free my demons where I already buried them along time ago.. or so I thought. 

I am insecure.

About my body.

About my face.

About everything.

About me.

Me.

Because I never feel like I’m good enough and that I mattered.

Sorry.. it’s just an eating disorder..


posted 3 months ago with
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Kiss me, try to fix it..


posted 4 months ago with
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This Is Where I Left

It’s a cliché though

When I first had my heart broken, it tore me apart, pieces by pieces, little by little; then I had my second, third, fourth and so on. It broke me into bits, but it molded me into something else.

Whenever I see a movie about a girl having her revenge to the person that broke her heart, it used to piss me off, it’s just plain ridiculous. Such a soap opera. But then it happened to me, without me even realizing it. To be honest, I have fears but no fears. I have fears of what I’m slowly turning into that I don’t have control over it. And there’s that where I have no fear to anything, not to anyone. I used to cry a lot, drown myself in deep sorrow and dry agony but now I just can’t think of being depress. I’m much more than that. I am much more than that that I’m becoming sinister. I don’t have fears. I can’t cry. I don’t feel sorrow. I don’t feel mournful to the oblivious way the life is hurting me. I just have pent up anger to the life, and I adore the oblivion.

I don’t know what is happening. It’s like I turned off my humanity. I love it. I hate it. 


posted 4 months ago with
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Ease

I have become a heartless
Poet of sadness
Nothing can ease the pain
Unless I’d go out in rain


posted 4 months ago with
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I have this sudden urge inside of me to run away as far as I could go, and blind myself from seeing my hurt


posted 4 months ago with
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Again

It’s just all in my head..

Here we go again. Better yet, here am again. I feel like I’m stuck in a chess game doing all the wrong moves. It’s just a simple gesture, nothing more, anything less. And, here, there, I was in front of you and I thought that maybe, just maybe, we’ll make it happen this time. That you’ll make me believe. Because lately, I’ve been trying to do it right but with no avail to the realness of time. I’m stuck in a vortex. And it’s an everyday process. Again. And again.


posted 4 months ago with
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Anchor

If you truly love someone, you’re afraid to let them go.

 

My teacher once told that line, said that it’s based from her own experience. I’d say admire the wisdom of a real integrity, but does she know it all? 

To leave or to let go. The same thought on the same level but very different on deeper connotation. When my teacher told me that, I looked at you. Am I afraid to let you go? And you know what I felt. Terrified. I’m terrified because I want you to leave, for me to be finally left alone, for my pieces to be finally scattered around the places and it would be the final act of this devotion that has turned me into a quite blow. But at the same time I’m afraid to let you go. You’re the only person holding me together from this insanity that I’m in. You’re my anchor. And I’m afraid that if I let you go, I might lose a grasp of this veracity. Both reasons are selfish. I know.


posted 4 months ago with
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On My Own

This love has left me with scars. Ugly, intrusively climbing up against me. Dependent on my walls. Hoping that I’m strong enough to tie both ends of a rope, invisible and alarming. Save for I cannot even untie my shoes without falling forward, face first. Still it has made me today. Survivor of my own. 


posted 4 months ago with
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Until..

Walking back to how it used to be
Rewinding myself
Caught up in the middle of love
Everything was smooth
Until..
Cries were muffled
Screams were heard
Tears were falling
And you’re the only face I’m seeing


posted 4 months ago with
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